I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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