Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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