sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
