I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My penis needs a shock collar
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize