found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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