True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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