Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
