My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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