I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
