My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
