I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
