why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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