so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
