my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just had sex on a roof
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
we're so committed to being not committed
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
