You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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