He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
