I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
