Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
