First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
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