Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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