Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize