I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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