Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hippo gnu deer
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
