____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
