I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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