your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
