i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
