are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
