Just fell off a train. Bad.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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