Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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