Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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