I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
