Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
