Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
