Plan B is the new Plan A
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
