she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
