Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
