I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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