well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
