I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize