You're a womanizer and a bitch.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
