Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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