I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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