Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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