I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
