After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
