Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i permit you to call me
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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