how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
