I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
