If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Bring me that man meat
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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