my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
