I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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