Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
They took my balls.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
