The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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