He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
