I like my sex mixed with concussions.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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