Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm too high and old for this...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
