May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
