he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
