I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
