i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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