I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
