i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
