my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
