My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
