Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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