dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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