I murdered the dance floor call the cops
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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