I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
