Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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